Forget COVID. Houseplants are the current epidemic keeping us shut up at home, and our bank accounts high and dry (too soon for coronavirus jokes?)
Here at NODE HQ, we're experts when it comes to being addicted to houseplants. After all, we each have collections numbered well into the hundreds at home. In fact, we would hanker a guess that every other person who pops into our space in Lyttelton suffers from the addiction too. Don't worry. You've found your tribe. And as we like to say, there are plenty of worse things to be addicted to than exotic plants, right? RIGHT?
Anyway, here 20 sure-fire signs that you're totally addicted to houseplants just like us. Welcome to the club!
1. Your house is organized around the light
Plants take priority when it comes to light at home. At a glance, you can tell immediately what plant belongs where and know the directions your windows face for optimal plant growth. It's a real skill that definitely belongs on a CV.
2. Your bathroom is full of calatheas, caladiums, and ferns
That is, of course, if you haven't accidentally murdered them all.
3. Your plant collection is worth more than your car
I'm looking at you philodendron gloriousum. Glorious, spendy, and so totally worth it. No regrets. Fancy cars can wait.
4. You know the Latin names of all of your houseplants.
Whether you can pronounce them correctly is an entirely different story. Anthurium crystal-i-num? crystal-in-e-um? Crystal-um? Who cares? Close enough and plant people generally know what you mean, right?
5. Your entire TradeMe watchlist is houseplants or shelves FOR your houseplants
6. This leads us to the next point, you have bought shelves JUST to put houseplants on
You gotta put your plants somewhere, and most of us end up with shelf or three, chocka stocked full of our green babies. After all, aren't houseplants happier grouped together?
7. You've killed at least 3 plants, two of which were maidenhair ferns
Listen, you learn by doing. You learn how to look after a string of pearls after you've killed two. It's a fact. And maidenhair ferns suck. We all know it.
8. You've dealt with at least one pest infestation (and fungal gnats don't even phase you anymore)
The great catastrophe of the "aphids hurricane of summer 2020" shall never be forgotton.
9. Your partner/roommate/parent/friends tells you no more plants
And then you just laugh, and then continue to bring plants home and put them up with all your other plant babies hoping he/she/they won't notice. After all, what's another 3 on top of 176?
10. They know your name at a local garden center
"Oh hey, me again. Have any new goodies arrived in the back? When's your next FLF restock?"
11. You would die rather than buy "indoor plant" soil
True plant addicts have their own custom soil blends mathematically composed and hidden in a top secret vault that's DEFINITELY not a highlight reel on our Instagram Stories.
12. Speaking of soil, you have disgusting nails
I remember the days when I used to get bi-monthly mani-pedis. Now my hands are borerlined calloused and it looks like I play in the mud for a living, which I guess I kind of do.
13. You have to psyche yourself up before chopping and propagating a favorite plant
*Deep breath* you got this. Call a friend for moral support. Snip, snip, snip. Dip in cloning powder. Pop in the prop box. Back away and obsessively check for roots 3 times a day for a month. Don't worry, we've all been there.
14. You'd sell a kidney for a variegated monstera
Any takers? I've got two kidneys, and can definitely spare one. Slide into my DMs.
15. You've spent three figures on a plant AND lied to your nearest and dearest about it
"Oh yes babe, this new Variegated Thai Monstera from the Plant Project was a gift from my mom. So generous, right?" Quietly shreds credit card statements in the background.
16. You've queued up for at least ONE first release of a new plant at your local plant shop
It's 8am on a bloody Saturday morning, and you're in line for the new release of a philodendron minima and you think you recognize at least 3 other people from plant FB groups. Oh hey!
17. Speaking of, you're in at least 4 houseplant Facebook groups
And you're active in all of them, even if you are actively watching crazy drama unfold, popcorn in hand.
18. You have an opinion on the Concrete Jungle drama
If you know, you know.